Losing Your Libido: Why You’re Not Having Sex (And What To Do About It)
Here’s what’s killing your sex life - and how to bring it back to life
Is your libido AWOL? You’re not alone.
Midlife hits hard. And when hormones go haywire, the one thing that used to feel easy, fun and spontaneous can suddenly turn awkward, confusing and full of friction - and not in a good way.
A creeping sense of self-doubt and fear of rejection outweigh all the upside, and bedtime becomes tense and silent - more about turning away than turning each other on.
Around 50% of sexually active women in midlife report symptoms of sexual dysfunction - including low desire, arousal issues, or pain and discomfort. And many men report a tanking libido once they hit their forties, thanks to falling testosterone, less-than-ideal lifestyle habits, or general midlife malaise.
So it’s not just her - and it’s not just you. And it’s definitely not a sign your relationship is broken beyond repair.
The real problem? If no one talks about it, nothing changes. And the longer the celibacy and silence go on, the harder it gets to turn things around. Here’s what you need to know to start the conversation and get your sex life - and your relationship - back on track.
Why has our sex life gone silent - and should I be worried?
Not necessarily. The disappearance of sex and intimacy is one of the most common midlife complaints for both men and women. Work stress, financial worries, tricky kids, poor sleep, changing hormones and general life mayhem all mess with your sex drive - not to mention your energy, motivation and mood. That said, if you can’t remember the last time you got down to business - or you’re both avoiding the topic entirely - it might be time to address the elephant in the bedroom.
We used to be at it like rabbits - what the hell happened?
Life happened. Hormones changed. Your testosterone may be gradually sliding downhill, while her oestrogen has taken a nosedive. Add in stress, poor sleep, work overload, weight gain, emotional burnout and long-simmering tension - and sex drops way down the to-do list. It’s not that desire vanishes overnight. It’s that two people slowly drift out of sync - biologically, emotionally and physically.
Why don’t either of us want sex any more?
Low libido is rarely just about sex. It’s usually a symptom of everything else: fatigue, disconnection, hormone shifts, poor health, feeling unappreciated - or just being overwhelmed. Your testosterone might be low. She might be deep in perimenopause. Or maybe you’re both just knackered and trying to stay afloat. The good news? You can get it back. But if you’re waiting for the spark to magically return, you’ll be waiting forever.
She’s gone cold on me - is that normal?
Yes - but it’s not about you. During perimenopause, oestrogen levels drop - as do her testosterone levels (yes, women have T too) - and libido skips town with no forwarding address. Add in vaginal dryness, night sweats, anxiety, brain fog and broken sleep, and it’s no wonder she’s not feeling sexy. Don’t take it personally. Be present, be patient, be kind - that’s all you can do right now.
Why does she get annoyed when I try - and upset when I don’t?
Because she probably doesn’t know what’s going on either. Her hormones have put her libido on a rollercoaster - one minute she wants closeness, the next she’s not sure what she wants at all. She might crave affection but not sex, or feel frustrated by a body that suddenly feels unfamiliar. She doesn’t have a map for this - so every advance or retreat can feel like the wrong move. That’s why calm, open communication matters.
What’s stress got to do with sex?
Absolutely everything. Chronic stress pumps out cortisol - the major stress hormone that crushes libido, disrupts other hormones and hijacks your mood. It puts your brain into survival mode, not seduction mode - and no one’s in the mood when their nervous system thinks they’re under attack.
Can bad sleep kill our sex life?
Completely. Sleep is the foundation for the hormones that drive desire, energy and arousal. Without enough (we’re talking 7 to 9 hours a night), stress levels rise, mood tanks, and even small things feel like a slog. You’re not avoiding each other on purpose - you’re both just too knackered to care.
Can I get my mojo back - or is it gone forever?
Yes - but you’ve got to earn it. Lift heavy things. Go for a run. Prioritise sleep. Eat like an adult. Cut back on the booze. Sort out your main sources of stress. When you start feeling better physically and emotionally, your sex drive often follows. This isn’t just about sex - it’s about feeling alive again.
How can I help her feel like herself again?
Stay close. Talk more. And really listen to what she’s saying. Resist the urge to offer a quick fix - this isn’t something you can solve in one night. Let her know you care and want to get through this together. Encourage her to make some lifestyle changes if that helps - but remember, perimenopause can need expert input, so suggest speaking to her GP to look at all her options.
How do I know if she needs proper help?
If she hasn’t felt any desire for six months or more - and it’s causing frustration, sadness or distance - it’s time to act. This isn’t just a dry spell. It’s a red flag that something deeper needs attention. A supportive chat with her GP, a menopause specialist, or a relationship therapist could be the first step back to connection.
What about me - do I need help too?
If you haven’t felt desire, interest or connection in months - and it’s not just about being tired - something’s up. Low libido in men is often tied to low testosterone, poor sleep, chronic stress or emotional disconnection. Don’t ignore it. Speak to your GP, get your bloods checked, or talk to a mate, a therapist or someone you trust. You don’t have to tough it out. Getting help might not just save your sex life - it might save your relationship.
How do I start a conversation about all this?
Gently. Honestly. And without criticism. Start with how you feel, not what she’s doing wrong. Try: ‘Can we talk about how things have changed between us lately? I miss feeling close to you.’ Ask open questions. Let her lead. Listen more than you speak. And skip the blame game - this is about coming back together, not driving each other further apart.
Thanks for reading. Got any questions, thoughts or comments? Let me know!
Joe